I’ve been sad before. I know, it’s probably a huge surprise. I’m normally super outgoing, happy, and quirky, but I have definitely struggled with feeling alone. Not lonely – alone. I know I refer to my college years a lot, but I seriously learned so much about myself during my time at university. When I was away at school I dealt with hardcore depression, anxiety, and an undiagnosed eating issue. I hated school. I’ve briefly mentioned this before, but I never wanted to go to college – I had my sights set on a dance career. I was super sick and in a Crohn’s disease flare – exactly what I needed when I was trying to have a good college experience. I was in an unhealthy relationship. I was homesick. I never saw my friends. I was on a steroid medication along with a handful of other pills that made my face swell, gave me horrible acne, terrible mood swings, and caused me to gain around 30 pounds. I was terrified to meet new people because of how quickly and drastically my body changed. I secluded myself in my tiny apartment room where I would skip meals upon meals to try to keep the inevitable pounds off my body. I felt like my life had turned against me. I genuinely saw a black hole swallowing my future. God forgot me.
I have only told a few people this story – it’s tough and dark so if you have a tender heart beware.
I distinctly remember sitting in my room one night my freshman year after I had an awful day. I felt disgusting. I looked disgusting. I had hit rock bottom. I did not want to do it anymore. I wanted out. I felt completely alone. Why in the world would God let my life suck that bad? I had lived a perfect life. I had followed every guideline He made for me, yet all my friends who “messed up” were living footloose and fancy free. I told no one about how intensely sad I was. My doctors would ask me if I was depressed and I would laugh it off and say “of course not”. I was too proud to admit that I was broken. Oh, how I wish I would have told someone. I wish, I wish, I wish I would have swallowed my pride. That night I poured a bottle of pills on my desk and stared at those tiny circles for about an hour. I wanted so badly to take them all, for something terrible happen to me, and for the intense sadness I was feeling to end. Those pills had ruined my life and they were going to be my ticket out.
I thought of everything I would miss.
I thought of my parents. My selfless Mama and Daddy.
I thought of my Granny who everyday prayed for my complete healing and was my heart and soul.
I thought of my brother, sister-in-law, and my sweet nephew, James, who I would never see grow up and learn new things.
I thought of the family I would never have.
I thought of the experiences I would never have.
I thought of dance.
I thought of death.
Then, I thought of life.
I put those satan candies back in the bottle and put them away. I’m not going to tell you that I felt the presence of the Lord wash over me and bring me happiness, but I will say I know He was in my room with me that night. He didn’t forget about me. He slowly pushed me in directions that would ultimately bring me peace and happiness. They were tough directions, but I’m so happy with the paths I was sent down. I argued with myself because I didn’t fit in the same box as everyone else and saw my life as a failure. Guys, Jesus didn’t fit in the same box as everyone else and He is the savior of the world! Let that sink in. Don’t base your happiness on the world’s standards of happiness, because you won’t be happy. Fight for your life. It is beyond worth it!
Again, my heart is content and whole. I still feel sad sometimes, but who doesn’t? I’ve learned to cling to God’s promises and not to the world’s frailty and it has made the BIGGEST difference. If you’re fighting sadness, please, please, please tell someone! I promise it gets better!